Experiences:
"I think we are a product of all our experiences." - Sanford I. Weill
Like most people, my experiences have played a part in shaping me. It is hard, however, to pinpoint what specific experiences have shaped me the most for I feel that my entire life is just one experience after another and each experience impacts me. I could write about my first encounter with the death of a loved one or my poor relationship with my brother which is something I struggled with through the course of my teenage years. I could write about how I always strived for perfection because I believed that anything less was unacceptable. I could write about how I was like the brother in the parable of the prodigal son, the one who felt like he deserved the attention and celebration, and not his wayward brother. I could write about how, deep within me, I always felt that God owed me something for being such a good person and how my eyes were open to that realization. I could write about how I realized that I am nothing but filthy rages who would never chose Jesus if given the choice. I could write about how I came to understand God's forgiveness, grace, and love. I could share in detail all of these things but there is so much more life to live in which my experiences will continue to shape me.
My grandfather passed away when I was 13 and it drove me towards God. My brother, with whom I was bitter, went into the Army and spent three tours over in Iraq. My bitterness grew towards him and I struggled within myself to forgive him for the ways he had hurt and wronged me. This too drove me towards God.
I had to be perfect. That's what everyone expected from me. . .or maybe that's only how I perceived things. . .either way, I strove for perfection. I was a good kid. I obeyed my parents. I did well in school. I didn't rebel like I had seen my older siblings do. I was better than them. I put it on myself to be better. I struggled with this for so long. I would tell anyone that I was sinner but I couldn't point out my sin. Deep down, I really thought I was a good person. I really thought I wasn't such a bad sinner. This led to my identification with the brother in that parable and my deep seeded thought that God owed me. Never would I say that in such words but I lived like I believed it. One day God opened up my eyes to that realization and over the course of several years I learned what a sinner I really am. I thought I had been doing everything right. I worked so hard to do everything right but I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. I wasn't "being good" out of love for God but out of love for myself and my desire to be perfect.
I struggled off and on with depression and I believe that was from all the pressure I put on myself and all the storms I went through. It was exhausting. Striving is always exhausting.
God worked through all of my experiences and taught me about forgiveness, faith, grace, and love. There is still more to learn and there is still room to grow. There always will be.
Dreams:
"Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true." - E.Y. Harburg
I dream to have as many children as God will bless me with. My husband and I have given that to God and are trusting Him to bless us with children as He sees fit. We may have only one or we may have twenty but we leave that to God. I desire to view each child He gives as a blessing and gift from Him.
I dream to have a home that is a safe environment with an open door policy for our friends, our children's friends, and for those hurting and in need. I grew up in a home that was the safe place for children in the neighborhood and I saw how that impacted their lives and my family. We had a ton of kids running around almost everyday just playing and having fun but at the same time witnessing Christ-life behavior and hearing the Gospel. I want my home and family to be the same way.
I dream to home school my children. I want my husband and I to be the main educators and disciplers in our kids' lives so that they are taught everything within the context of God's Word and Truth.
I dream to travel the country and even the world with my family; not for luxury's sake but for learning and creating memories.
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